Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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