More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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