He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
