how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
