Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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