You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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