chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
