I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
