Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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