he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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