omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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