I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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