Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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