I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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