i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
