I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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