OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In other news, I just burned my penis
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
