I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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