He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
