youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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