A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
