I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
