you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
