Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize