also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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