dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
