I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
