I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Randomize
