I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Life is so much better after having sex.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
