the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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