i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
