after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
