Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
