When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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