my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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