Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
