When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
