I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
