Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
