She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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