When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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