they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
