Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you are never too drunk for berry picking
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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