So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
