My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My feet surprised me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
