I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love you.
Bad choice
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
