wrigley field is MILF paradise
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
