apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
