I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
