Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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