he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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