Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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