You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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