even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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