So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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