Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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