My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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