just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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