remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
