she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
