woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
