Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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