I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
