What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
