Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
