And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
